Negadelphia: Fixing The Philadelphia Flyers

FrankenPronger is the cure to all that ails the Flyers (hat tip to the awesome Jimmy Donofrio for the photoshop)

***Negadelphia is an exercise where I channel the opinions of Philly’s worst into a post. No idiots were harmed in the making of this post, unfortunately.***

Another year and no Stanley Cup for the Philadelphia Flyers.  I’m getting fed up with this garbage!  These underachieving losers have a lot to do in the offseason if they actually want to be contenders.

My first move would be to send Ilya Bryzgalov to space like he’s always craved.  Might there be an accident while up there? HMMM….  I’m just saying, we don’t have to rely on an amnesty clause after this summer’s inevitable lockout if Ilya gets lost in space.

Now, if we shoot Bryz into space, who can the Flyers use for a goalie?  The answer is obvious: they need to invest in American hero Tim Thomas!  Just trade that no talent bum James van Riemsdyk and the rights for the even less talented Matt Carle to the Bruins to get it done.  Hell, throw in Sergei Bobrovsky while you’re at it so we can put Michael Leighton back where he truly belongs.

While we’re putting people back where they truly belong, why won’t Ed Snider pay enough money to fix Chris Pronger?  These Flyers need leadership and grit.  Mr. Snider is being Phillies-level cheap in not paying for experimental procedures to restore our captain to his former glory.  What a disgrace!

My idea?  Use the body parts of useless and elderly players to build a FrankenPronger.  Jagr basically fell apart at the seams in the playoffs so you can start there (speaking of Jagr, just how old is that guy?  A team that needs to get younger doesn’t need 60 year olds playing on the team).  You can sacrifice Jody Shelley, Andreas Lilja, and Zac Rinaldo for the cause.  If they don’t like it, ask them if they’d like to spend some time in sunny Adirondack.

The other important move for Paul Holmgren in this offseason is to get Ryan Suter.  According to all the guys I’ve seen on TV he’s incredible and we need him.  Anything less is unacceptable.  Kimmo Timonen could retire at any second and Matt Carle needs to go to Boston in the Thomas trade, we need defensemen!

Lastly, I can’t believe those bums Mike Richards and Jeff Carter are riding Jonathan Quick’s coattails to a championship!  They drink their faces off every night and play hungover all the time.  That’s not how Bobby Clarke and Dave Schultz played the game!  Seeing those clowns lift the Cup just after leaving the Flyers would be the most Philly thing ever.