Flyers Mailbag #1

Welcome to the first installment of the Flyers Mailbag, where we take readers’ (not-so-serious) questions and answer them in the least sensible way possible. If you’d like to submit a question, feel free to tweet at me or comment here.

From Hal Greenblatt (@HMGreenblatt): Why does @Hartsy19 (Scott Hartnell) fall so often?

It’s gravity, baby. Or, he’s just really clumsy. Probably both.

To be honest, I don’t have the real answer. But I do have my theories. Theory #1: there’s some sort of chip implanted somewhere on his body, and it is attracted to some sort of metal that is underneath the ice on the rink. Is there metal under the ice? I have no idea. But that’d be a good excuse for Hartnell’s spills, yeah? Theory #2: He does it on purpose. Now, I know this is a lot less likely than the whole ‘implanted chip’ thing, but the guy is raising money for charity (#HartnellDown Foundation, check it out, terrific cause) and donates a certain amount every time he falls. So maybe some of those trips and tumbles could have been avoided had he tried a little harder. Theory #3: Slapstick comedy. Hartsy is definitely one of the funniest guys on the Flyers, and what’s more funny and entertaining than watching someone fall? Watching the Flyers not only provides you with entertaining hockey, but also entertaining entertainment, so long as Hartnell is on the ice.

From Nicholas Dobrowolski (@NickDobo): How do you actually do the “Let’s go Flyers!” chant? If someone does it wrong, can you punch them in the face?

It’s really not a complicated chant at all. The typical, “Let’s go (enter two-syllable nickname/team name here)” followed by a clap, clap, clapclapclap. I actually have a friend who doesn’t know how to clap correctly (I know that sounds strange, but if you’ve ever been around her at a sporting event, you’d understand), so maybe that portion can be difficult for some people. I’ve yet to hear anyone mess it up, but I’m sure it’s happened before.

Also, there are proper times to do the chant and improper times. Proper time: when the crowd is trying to rile themselves up as well as their team on the ice. Improper time: during a moment of silence, after the team has lost, etcetera, etcetera. I wouldn’t recommend punching someone who did it wrong, y’know, security issues and whatnot. However, if your foot “accidentally slips” on some “spilled beer” in the concourse and winds up tripping that person after the game, well… you can’t really be held accountable.*

*If you choose this course of action and face some sort of consequence for it, I was never here.

From Dennis M (@dennisfxm): What can I do with my Coffey, Richards, JvR, Carle, and Gagne Flyers jerseys? (I have a thing for lefties.)

Keep them! You picked those players’ jerseys for a reason, and just because they’re not with Philly anymore doesn’t mean that you should get rid of them. Wearing my Gagne t-shirt has actually brought the Flyers luck this past season… or so I like to think. Maybe I’m sometimes more partial to players opposed to a team, but don’t understand people who just abandon t-shirts and jerseys once a player is gone. Then again, I have no room to talk, since I’ll probably never wear either of my Jayson Werth t-shirts again. I’m setting a bad example. Pretend I never mentioned the Werth thing.

From Matthew James (@themjm): Hi, first time long time here. Flyers’ ceiling if they fail to make any noteworthy moves this offseason?

If the Flyers don’t trade for Rick Nash and Bobby Ryan this offseason, I’d suggest fans just skip this season altogether. It’s going to be an ugly one. I’m talking 2006-2007 Flyers (you know, the team that only won 22 games?). Claude Giroux is going to quit and defect to the Phillies. Ilya Bryzgalov is going to trade in playing hockey for hunting bears. And Scott Hartnell’s head is going to fall off!

From Marcello D (@ff_marcello): How hard is too hard to punch a grown adult trying to start the wave at a hockey game?

It’s never too hard to punch a grown adult trying to start the wave anywhere. However, as I stated before, if you do anything criminal and get caught, don’t blame it on me. Getting back to the wave, I just have to ask: WHY? Why is this still a thing? Why is it more entertaining for some people to watch the wave go all the way around the ballpark/arena/whatever than to watch the actual game going on in front of them? The wave is seriously so pointless. I don’t know why it ever became a thing to begin with. You’re not cool if you start the wave, and you’re not cool if you join in. We are not amused, and yes, we are seriously judging you.

From Nicholas Dobrowolski (@NickDobo): What’s the best mix of songs to listen to PRIOR to a Flyers game?

Well, Nick, I am so glad that you asked that. I actually have a Spotify playlist called “Flyer’d Up!” (corny, I know, but get over it.) full of songs that are either related to the Flyers in some form — have been played at games, used during warmups, or remind us of certain players (miss you and your moves already, Jagr) — were featured in HBO’s “24/7,” or just get you in the mood for some hockey. It’s a collaborative playlist, so you (and you, readers!) can add to it if you’d like. Enjoy!