50 Shades of Orange

Photoshop courtesy of the talented Geoff Mang.

What you are about to read is the brainchild of Kim Pollock and Steve Jacot, inspired by various Tumblr users and an overall lack of anything substantial to write about re: hockey. Grab yourself a glass of wine, light a few candles, and settle in as we give you an exclusive look at excerpts from the upcoming “50 Shades of Orange.”

Hartnell let loose his wild hair as he climbed into bed.

Hartsy picked the Cheetos out of his beard and swept her into his arms.

Bryz said something unintelligible about world commerce and the effect penguins had on it that made her knees buckle.

Ilya’s lover catches him with another woman: “Why you heff to be mad? It’s only game!”

She lifted Danny Briere into her arms and carried him to bed.

Wayne laid back on the bed and yelled, “All aboard!”

Kimmo Timonen laid his lover down down on the bed gently and whispered, “It’s time for some Kimmo therapy.”

Lavy took the rejection well from Claude’s ex: When you’ve been with the best in the world…”

Giroux: “You’d be surprised at what I can do with two broken wrists.”

As Zac took off his pants, he raised his well-manicured eyebrows and told her, “There’s a reason my nickname is Rino.”

Bryz: “The universe is not the only thing that is so humangous big.”