Philly’s entry into the world of late 80s hair bands, “Cinderella,” said it best, “You don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone.” As I sit here in my room, TV off amongst fun sized Christmas candy wrappers, I’m reflecting on how I’ve missed the NHL this season.
Luckily, I’ve found a few ways to create a surrogate for the National Hockey League in these dark days:
1 ) The Five Hole — Anyone can follow around their dog with an inside out baggie, waiting for nature to take its course. Instead, I carry a Koho hockey stick. The cold weather creates a perfect condition for me to tuck Fido’s shame into a targets top shelf and I’m sure the neighbors kids won’t be using their Fisher Price Playhouse till spring. The Perfect Crime!
2) Latent Aggression — My days of picking fights are over, which is what I love about being able to watch a good hockey scrum from the comfort of my recliner. A great alternative during the holidays was to go to Walmart and remove all but one of a popular item off of the shelf and watch people go at it. However, I’m not even sure watching Rinaldo using people as punching bags is going to live up to a 300lb woman getting a muumuu pulled over her head because of a White Furby shortage.
3) The Stadium Experience — Anytime I miss heading to Wells Fargo to see a game live, I can easily go to my local watering hole and ask to pay triple for my beer and food. Then I can sit as far away from the TV as possible and try to keep it all on my lap without using a table. Fun Bonus Fact: if you get the fat guy at the bar drunk enough, he will eventually do a crazy intermission dance too. I should know since I’m that fat guy…
4) Hating the Enemy — It’s really hard to keep up our Crosby hatred, when all he’s doing is fishing and playing Video games. The only way I can get out my frustrations is through a fake Crosby Twitter account, where I post things such as: “Can someone please help me open this box of Kraft Dinner!?” or “How many more sleeps til I play hockey again?”
So those are just a few ways to cope with this lockout. It’s been nice of the Eagles and Phillies to supply us Flyers fans with that “disappointed and slightly unfulfilled” feeling we often have at seasons end. Here’s hoping I can soon put away my coping mechanisms and get back to watching some real NHL action soon.