The Empire Strikes Bryz

Laugh it up fuzzball (picture via Eric Hartline, USA TODAY Sports)

ILYA BRYZGALOV and PAUL HOLMGREN walk down a hallway in the Wells Fargo Center.

 

BRYZ

…and then I tells the husky that it is me who should be using the toilet!

 

HOLMER

That’s wonderful, Ilya. Listen, you know your new Star Wars helmet?


Bryzgalov proceeds to make blaster and lightsaber noises like C3PO telling a story to the Ewoks in Return of the Jedi (note: Estebomb always has been and always will be a huge nerd. Shut up.)

Holmgren looks at him, stone faced.

 

HOLMER

Well, I spoke to George Lucas, the creator of Star Wars, and he was not too happy that you gave Yoga a red whoozywhatsits.


Bryz is still making laser and lightsaber noises.

 

HOLMER

Thankfully, I’ve made a deal that will keep the Lucas Empire out of here forever.


Holmgren opens a door to reveal GEORGE LUCAS at the end of a long table. Bryz reacts by throwing a squirt gun at Lucas. It misses him and smashes against the wall. Lucas looks puzzled for a moment, but then turns his attention back to Bryzgalov.

 

LUCAS

Take a seat, Ilya.

 

BRYZ

Which one? They all so nice.

 

LUCAS

Whatever you’re comfortable with.


Bryzgalov grabs the nicest chair in the room and starts to walk away with it.

 

LUCAS

NO, I meant sit down.

 

BRYZ

Then why you not say so?


At last, Bryz sits down next to Lucas.

 

LUCAS

Look, Ilya, as the creator of Star Wars, I hold these characters very near and dear to my heart. Yoda especially is one of my favorite characters.

 

BRYZ

He good guy.

 

LUCAS

Precisely. He’s a GOOD guy. Which is why we can’t have his lightsaber looking like it’s red.

 

BRYZ

But it orange! Like wonderful creamsicle or Voracek homeless beard.

 

LUCAS

It looks like it’s red Ilya. And red is evil.

 

BRYZ

Like Detroit Red Wings in playoffs…

 

LUCAS

…yes?


Lucas looks at Holmgren, who nods, verifying Bryzgalov’s statement. Bryzgalov stares down at the table, reliving the 2011 playoffs like a Vietnam flashback.

 

BRYZ

George Lukewalker, I think about it and decide that you’re right, we change the light sword to green.

 

LUCAS

Fantastic, Ilya. Thank you coming around on this.

 

BRYZ

One thing, though, can you get me one of those tiny bears from third movie?

 

LUCAS

I’ll be in touch.