Laugh it up fuzzball (picture via Eric Hartline, USA TODAY Sports)
ILYA BRYZGALOV and PAUL HOLMGREN walk down a hallway in the Wells Fargo Center.
BRYZ
…and then I tells the husky that it is me who should be using the toilet!
HOLMER
That’s wonderful, Ilya. Listen, you know your new Star Wars helmet?
Bryzgalov proceeds to make blaster and lightsaber noises like C3PO telling a story to the Ewoks in Return of the Jedi (note: Estebomb always has been and always will be a huge nerd. Shut up.)
Holmgren looks at him, stone faced.
HOLMER
Well, I spoke to George Lucas, the creator of Star Wars, and he was not too happy that you gave Yoga a red whoozywhatsits.
Bryz is still making laser and lightsaber noises.
HOLMER
Thankfully, I’ve made a deal that will keep the Lucas Empire out of here forever.
Holmgren opens a door to reveal GEORGE LUCAS at the end of a long table. Bryz reacts by throwing a squirt gun at Lucas. It misses him and smashes against the wall. Lucas looks puzzled for a moment, but then turns his attention back to Bryzgalov.
LUCAS
Take a seat, Ilya.
BRYZ
Which one? They all so nice.
LUCAS
Whatever you’re comfortable with.
Bryzgalov grabs the nicest chair in the room and starts to walk away with it.
LUCAS
NO, I meant sit down.
BRYZ
Then why you not say so?
At last, Bryz sits down next to Lucas.
LUCAS
Look, Ilya, as the creator of Star Wars, I hold these characters very near and dear to my heart. Yoda especially is one of my favorite characters.
BRYZ
He good guy.
LUCAS
Precisely. He’s a GOOD guy. Which is why we can’t have his lightsaber looking like it’s red.
BRYZ
But it orange! Like wonderful creamsicle or Voracek homeless beard.
LUCAS
It looks like it’s red Ilya. And red is evil.
BRYZ
Like Detroit Red Wings in playoffs…
LUCAS
…yes?
Lucas looks at Holmgren, who nods, verifying Bryzgalov’s statement. Bryzgalov stares down at the table, reliving the 2011 playoffs like a Vietnam flashback.
BRYZ
George Lukewalker, I think about it and decide that you’re right, we change the light sword to green.
LUCAS
Fantastic, Ilya. Thank you coming around on this.
BRYZ
One thing, though, can you get me one of those tiny bears from third movie?
LUCAS
I’ll be in touch.