Deep Blue Line

Pic via Amy Irvin

KIMMO TIMONEN skates back and forth at the Flyers Skate Zone during practice. He is addressing his teammates before his 1,000th game.

 

KIMMO

I know it’s been a difficult year. We haven’t played at our highest level.


The Flyers nod solemnly in agreement.

 

KIMMO

It’s my 1,000th game tonight. Zac Rinaldo can’t even count that high.


ZAC RINALDO lights up smiling upon hearing his name.

 

RINALDO

It’s true!

 

KIMMO

It’s time to put all of our issues behind us. Jaromir Jagr and his magnificent smile aren’t walking through that door.


CLAUDE GIROUX chimes in at the mention of his old buddy Jagr.

 

GIROUX

Look, um, I like, think, it’s pretty obvious, um, that this is, uh, Bryz’s fault.


ILYA BRYZGALOV stops drawing constellations on the ice with his goalie stick to address this.

 

BRYZ

Clod, how you say that when last night we bond over common love of Count Chocula? Besides, it Danny Bear’s fault!


DANNY BRIERE scoffs at Bryzgalov.

 

BRIERE

Don’t go blaming me, I’m under all of that crippling pressure from my four kids!

 

SEAN COUTURIER speaks up, tears streaming down his face.

 

COUTS

Leave me out of this, Dad!


The practice has turned into a series of finger pointing and accusations. The Flyers argue amongst each other until Kimmo Timonen breaks a stick over the boards.

 

KIMMO

ENOUGH! Now you’ve seen how bad things can get, and how quickly they can get that way. Well, they can get a whole lot worse. So we’re not going to fight anymore! We’re going to pull together and we’re going to find a way to get out of this! The first thing we’re going to do is-


A shark bursts through the ice and devours Kimmo Timonen.

Via complex.com

The team stands there in stunned silence. After a minute, SCOTT HARTNELL speaks up.

 

HARTNELL

Hey boys, turn those frowns upside down and let’s go grab a drink!

 

Editor’s note: This was basically a parody of Deep Blue Sea. What do you mean you haven’t seen Deep Blue Sea? It’s got super smart sharks and LL Cool J! What more could you want in life?