Time Travelin’ Timmy Thomas

 

PHILADELPHIA, 1776. A flash of electricity bursts out. A man in a black and gold hockey sweater with a prominent mustache walks out into the night. TIM THOMAS has arrived in the past. He is in an alley a few blocks from INDEPENDENCE HALL. He sees a CHILD staring at him.

 

TIM THOMAS

You, boy! What year is it?

 

CHILD

1776, sir.

 

TIM THOMAS

Excellent. I’m right on time.

 

CHILD

What are those strange garments?

 

TIM THOMAS

It’s my uniform, boy. Perhaps you can fetch me something less…conspicuous?

 

CHILD

What do I get out of it?

 

TIM THOMAS

The satisfaction of helping a true patriot!


The child is frightened by Thomas’ bravado and runs off.

 

TIM THOMAS

Typical weak-willed liberal scum that will someday run this country into the ground…


Thomas steals some clothes from a nearby home to blend in. He leaves an autographed puck as payment, figuring that someday it will be worth more than the clothing. He walks toward his goal: INDEPENDENCE HALL.

Thomas sneaks into the SECOND CONTINENTAL CONGRESS. He jumps onto a table and loudly announces his presence.

 

TIM THOMAS

GENTLEMEN!


The hall goes quiet. Everyone looks in puzzlement at Thomas. THOMAS JEFFERSON speaks up.

 

THOMAS JEFFERSON

Who is this brigand?

 

TIM THOMAS

I am Tim Thomas, Bruin of Boston and loyal American! I have come with dark tidings, fellows. Dark tidings, indeed!


Thomas dramatically leaps from the table and walks to the middle of the room, holding his coat like Bane in The Dark Knight Rises.

 

TIM THOMAS

Someday, this will be a GREAT country. The GREATEST country! And then this government, formed to free us from tyranny, will become an all powerful, all useless conglomerate of corruption and greed! And my hockey team will want me to visit the White House and do stuff and I just don’t want to do it!


BEN FRANKLIN awakes from a booze induced slumber.

 

BEN FRANKLIN

What is this fool talking about?

 

TIM THOMAS

I’m talking about freedom! I’m talking about liberty! I’m talking about putting a provision in the Declaration of Independence stating that athletes won’t have to visit the White House just because they won a championship!

 

BEN FRANKLIN

Will someone put this lunatic in the stocks already? I was having a wonderful dream about this gorgeous big-hipped woman.


GUARDS seize Thomas, who stares in disbelief as he is dragged off.

 

TIM THOMAS

You can’t do this to me! I’ve won the Stanley Cup! The Vezina! I’m important! Let me goooooooo!


The founding fathers watch as Tim Thomas is dragged out to the stocks.

 

THOMAS JEFFERSON

Well that was…odd. Let’s get back to business.


Jefferson pulls out whiskey and glasses. Girls run in from the back door.

Tim Thomas has been placed in the stocks. He stares straight ahead in disbelief.

 

TIM THOMAS

Betrayed by my heroes. The founding fathers are nothing but frauds. You can only rely on yourself, Tim…


There is a flash of light in front of Tim Thomas. A goalie net appears. ILYA BRYZGALOV and HENRIK LUNDQVIST walk out of it.

 

ILYA BRYZGALOV

Tom Timmass, are you okay?

 

TIM THOMAS

Leave me to die.

 

HENRIK LUNDQVIST

Come on Tim, you’ve got too much talent to waste, stuck in the past like this. Let’s go.


Bryzgalov and Lundqvist help Thomas out of the stocks and into the goalie net.

 

TIM THOMAS

Being helped by two foreigners, one of them going by the title of KING? What has my life come to?


Lundqvist pulls the fog horn attached to the net and the goalies disappear in a flash of light.

Join us next week when our brave goalies need to settle a dispute between Genghis Khan and Ron Hextall!