Buy, Buy Baby

PAUL HOLMGREN, PETER LAVIOLETTE, DANNY BRIERE, ILYA BRYZGALOV, and CLAUDE GIROUX sit down at a table in Holmgren’s office in the Wells Fargo Center.

 

PAUL HOLMGREN

Gentlemen, we are here today to discuss what we are doing with our two salary cap compliance buyouts. Ilya and Danny, you are here to tell us why you should remain with the team. Peter and Claude are here for their input as coach and team captain. Any questions?

 

ILYA BRYZGALOV

When will we be getting the pie and punch? Is the punch Hawaiian? Best punch.

 

HOLMER

I told Ed that we never should have gotten Bryzgalov…

 

Bryzgalov smiles a little too broadly and stares at Holmgren.

 

CLAUDE GIROUX

Oh, ya know, like, yeah, um, like, yeah, Bryz is a good dude, um, yeah.

 

PETER LAVIOLETTE

What the hell are you trying to say, Claude? Spit it out!

 

GIROUX

Um, well, I’m giving it 110%, ya know, coach, like, that’s good, eh?

 

LAVY

Good god, man, you make Hartnell sound like a Rhodes friggin’ scholar.

 

HOLMER

Let’s talk about Briere first. As much as I like Danny as a guy who runs a weird halfway house for rookies and stuff, he just can’t score regularly enough to be on this team anymore at that cap hit.

 

BRIERE

Look guys, you know I can do better. And I don’t want to move, I’ve got three kids clinging to that home.

 

HOLMER

We’re aware of your family life Danny and we can sympathize-

 

BRIERE

You don’t understand, those kids will actually cling to the walls. Once they grab a hold they’re impossible for me to move on my own. Can the team provide me with a goon or something to help?

 

HOLMER

Dancing Shawn should be able to help you out with that. Claude, do you have any comments on Danny’s role with the team?

 

GIROUX

Ya know, um, Danny’s been like a father to me, and like, um, I don’t, um, want to lose that.

 

LAVY

Do you see what I’m dealing with here, guys? This is why I need to yell out simplistic phrases like “jam!” and punch that Leno hipster kid in the head!

 

HOLMER

Noted. What do you think about buying out Danny’s contract?

 

LAVY

He’s one of the few guys who can speak English without every other word being like or um, so I say keep him. Sure, he doesn’t back check and he high sticks guys on every other shift, but he’s articulate, dammit.

 

HOLMER

Okay Danny, looks like you’re good for now. Go stalk Scott Laughton or something.

 

BRIERE

I’ve already started painting his room!

 

Briere merrily hops away. Everyone turns to Bryzgalov.

 

HOLMER

That leaves you, Bryz. Can you tell me why we should keep you as the starting goaltender for the Philadelphia Flyers?

 

BRYZ

Guys, why we so worried about me and my money when all this bad stuff going on? Death, destruction, METEORS, tiger hunts, terror war, Korea, and we talk about me? It not right. Life too short.

 

LAVY

Paul, he does this to me every time I try to address his goaltending style. EVERY DAMN TIME!

 

Laviolette grabs and smashes his chair against a nearby wall. Somehow, everyone is unphased.

 

LAVY

Do you see what these guys are doing to me Paul? I’m at my wit’s end! Just buy him out, buy them all out!

 

Laviolette kicks the doors open and storms out, furiously chomping on gum the whole time.

 

HOLMER

Ilya, do you actually have anything to say regarding your goaltending ability?

 

BRYZ

Look, I good sometime and you have no one better. Michael Lateman, he no good. I am your man in net. Kids love Bryz, Tim Pinocchio love Bryz, it win win win.

 

HOLMER

Okay gentlemen, I’ve heard enough for today. Thank you for joining me and adding your input.

 

GIROUX

Oh, you know, it’s, like, um, my pleasure and-

 

HOLMER

Please stop talking.

  • http://twitter.com/ZoaHaus ZoaHaus.com

    Giroux always says “obviously”