The Escape Goat

“Coburn’s soft I tells ya!” – Philly dot commenters and most of Twitter (picture via scenicreflections.com)

BRAYDON COBURN walks into PAUL HOLMGREN’S office. He meets with Holmgren and Flyers coach PETER LAVIOLETTE.

 

HOLMER

Take a seat, Braydon.

COBURN

What’s going on, fellas?

HOLMER

As you know, we recently bought out Danny Briere and Ilya Bryzgalov.

 

Laviolette picks up and throws a lamp from the table next to him.

 

LAVY

Friggin Bryzgalov!

HOLMER

As you can see, Peter’s still a little upset with Bryz…

LAVY

You’re damn right I am!

HOLMER

Anyway…we wanted to discuss assigning you a new role for the upcoming season.

COBURN

Oh wow, are you guys going to make me an Assistant Captain?

.

Holmgren and Laviolette loudly laugh for a full minute.

 

LAVY

Oh, not a chance in hell, son.

HOLMER

Peter and I have decided to make you the official scapegoat of the 2013-2014 Philadelphia Flyers.

COBURN

Wait, weren’t you guys just about to trade me to Edmonton?

HOLMER

Well, we had a deal in place, still do actually, but we don’t want to give up such a clear and valuable scapegoat!

COBURN

But why me? I don’t go out every night like those other guys. I’m pretty okay for the most part.

LAVY

Craig Berube has been looking at all the comments sections and message boards and for some reason, people really hate you!

HOLMER

One commenter on Philly dot com described you as “soft as a marshmallow and his weak, soft plays rubs off on the team and wrecks havoc like a cancer. I think its an instant addition by subtraction the minute he is gone, even with NOTHING in return”

LAVY

And it goes on like that.

COBURN

This doesn’t make any sense…

LAVY

These things rarely do. But, hey, the fans are going to find someone to hate on any team, no matter how successful.

HOLMER

Having you around as the official Philadelphia Flyers scapegoat keeps people from piling blame on our more popular players, like Claude, or the next Bernie Parent, Steve Mason.

LAVY

AND, looking on the bright side, wouldn’t you rather be blamed for everything in Philly than have to live in Edmonton?

COBURN

…I’ll consider it.