Metropolitan Division Preview: New Jersey Devils

Marty is looking ok for his age

The New Jersey Devils and the Philadelphia Flyers do not like each. This rivalry started on the elbows of Scott Stevens and has continued ever since. And now we find ourselves at this point. The Devils find themselves heading into the 2013-14 season-

I’m sorry, I can’t contain it anymore. I need to get this out.

KOVALCHUK RETIRED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The Devils’ best player and only real scoring threat just went and retired on them. Just like that. He decided that home is where the heart is (as well as the government sanctioned homophobia).

But let’s be serious for a second. Ilya Kovalchuk retired! Yes, it will probably save the Devils money in the long run, but in the short term it basically cripples the team.

City Facts

Newark might actually be hell on Earth.

Okay, I’m exaggerating a bit, but it’s no good I tells ya!

The Devils fans’ inferiority complex actually powers the arena. When they chant derogatory things about the Rangers and Flyers in a game against the Maple Leafs, it provides two whole hours of clean energy. Way to go New Jersey!

Worst Jersey

This is one area where the Devils actually do really well. They’ve stuck with a solid look for years. Even the Christmas colors look good.

Star Players

Martin Brodeur – Geez, retire already. Methuselah Brodeur will probably find a way to be tending goal for the Devils in a wheelchair. And he’ll still find a way to shut the Flyers out.

Cory Schneider – Two goalies for star players? That always works out well. Schneider escaped one logjam in Vancouver to find himself in another one in New Jersey. This one at least seems to have a light at the end of the tunnel instead of nine more years of terrible contract.

Jaromir Jagr – Add another jersey to the Jagr collection! Old man Jags is in incredible shape for his age, but his durability is a huge issue. Will the Devils rest him throughout the season? He’s fantastic when he’s healthy and rested, but beyond that he might as well be on the coaching staff.

Ryane Clowe – Do you remember how Clowe scored 3 goals last season? What a steal on the free agent market at a measly $4.85 million a season! Way to go Lou!

Patrick Elias – Elias might be New Jersey’s only remaining scoring threat. This Flyer killer has been hanging around North Jersey since the mid-90s and recently signed on for a few more years of service. Four things are forever in Newark: death, taxes, Brodeur, and Elias.

Travis Zajac – I guess? The Devils are terrible.

Coach

Peter DeBoer – He looks like Bob Newhart, but a little more serious. DeBoer has done a good job with the Devils, taking them to the Stanley Cup Finals in 2012. This will be his biggest test yet as the team lacks firepower on the offensive side of the ice.

Key Offseason Moves

See all of the laughing above. The Kovalchuk retirement kills this team in the short term. They did make a big move in trading the ninth overall pick for Canucks goaltender Cory Schneider. Brodeur’s heir has been named, and that’s a big deal.

Division Prediction: Eighth

Dead last. The Devils are the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. I’m sure they’ll prove me wrong and be half decent. Maybe even beat out the Blue Jackets. But as I’m seeing it right now, there will be even less joy than usual in Newark this spring.

  • blunt1129

    Even without kovy the devils will own the flyers this season and take a pkayoff spot guarateed