Flyers Defeat Penguins 4-2; Giroux Defeats Terrorists

Giroux Van Damme

What started out as a routine night for the undefeated Philadelphia Flyers climaxed with the death of two terrorists on the ice and ended with another easy win for the Flyers.

Flyers captain Claude Giroux started the scoring early in the game, when he dangled and dazzled his way around the entire starting line-up of the Pittsburgh Penguins off the opening faceoff. Giroux dizzy-danced around all five Penguins players and then razzled-razzled Penguins goalie Marc-Andre Fleury for a 1-0 lead five seconds into the game.

With all four Flyers lines styling and profiling, ripping and rocking due to each line featuring quality NHL hockey players, the Penguins had a hard time keeping up with the Flyers’ flow.

At 11:51 of the first period, some Penguins player, out of frustration in his professional and personal life, slashed the magical man, the son of Philadelphia, Claude Giroux.

The Flyers’ potent and extremely efficient powerplay giggled at the Penguins’ “penalty kill,” and 20 seconds later, the Duke of Olde City, Scott Hartnell, scored his 17th goal of the season off a beautiful pass from Giroux, one which Pablo Picasso called his “greatest inspiration.”

The second period began like any ordinary Flyers second period: the Flyers scored. Read to McGinn, McGinn to Read, Read to Couturier to McGinn to Read to Couturier to the back of the net.

With 7:30 left in the second period, Pittsburgh’s Evgeni Malkin tripped the velvety Voracek as he sashayed down the far boards. As the ref turned on his microphone to announce the penalty, Penguins captain Sidney Crosby punched the ref in the face, ripped the microphone from the official’s shirt, and announced to the crowd, “Game over.”

A confused murmur traveled throughout the arena.  Malkin joined Crosby at center ice and the two men pulled off their faces to revealed another set of faces (they were wearing masks). The two men announced, “We are terrorist with demands. We’ve been terrorists this whole time. Meet our demands and only some get hurt as an example of our terrorist ways. Fail to meet our demands and –”

At this moment the two men were interrupted by an man descending from the WFC rafters.

It was Jean Claude Van Damme.

“After starring in the 1995 film “Sudden Death,” I have spent every night of my life policing NHL hockey games from the rafters, waiting and waiting for life to imitate art,” JCVD announced to the crowd as he descended toward the ice. “And finally my patience has paid off!”

Captain Claude removed his helmet, slicked back his ginger mane and yelled, “Jean, your patience will have to continue being patient. I got this.”

Giroux skated toward the two terrorists, and with the skill of every American hero in the history of fantasy and reality, proceeded to quickly disarm, dismantle and decapitate the two men. The crowd cheered U-S-A until it lost all meaning. President Obama appeared on the jumbotron and gave Giroux the key to the world. Giroux smiled his quasi-toothless grin and saluted the crowd.

The game continued on and the Flyers won 4-2.

The Flyers have the next week off and face the NY Rangers on Thursday.

  • agdahadfgafd

    Pretty much the best thing I’ve read since like ever

  • Tom Delaney

    It could happen !

  • eparico

    Wish I would have read this article sooner. Funny quip in the face of adversity is just what the doctor ordered. Good read, and thanks for the laugh.