The Orange and Black List: Bernie Parent’s life as an FBI consultant

Image via Bernie Parent’s Twitter account

When men sign up to play goaltender for the Philadelphia Flyers, they take on a certain risk. The risk of losing their mind. Few escape unscathed. Flyers great Bernie Parent helps the FBI round these men up and finds them the help that they need.

 

BERNIE PARENT pulls up to FBI Headquarters in PHILADELPHIA, PA. He steps out of his shiny, black Porsche and assesses the building. He is met by young agent REBECCA BAKER.

 

BERNIE

Well well well, who is this?

 

BAKER

Special Agent Baker. Thanks for coming in today, Bernie.

 

BERNIE

Oh believe me, my lovely, the pleasure is all mine.

 

Bernie takes her hand and kisses it. Agent Baker is clearly embarrassed.

 

BAKER

A simple handshake will do, sir.

 

BERNIE

Not for a gentleman.

 

BAKER

Um, well, anyway, let me show you around before you talk to everyone.

 

BERNIE

I would follow you to the end of the Earth.

 

Agent Baker rolls her eyes. She is about to introduce Bernie to the group when the lights suddenly go out in the building.

 

BAKER

Well, that’s weird…

 

BERNIE

Look out!

 

Bernie tackles Agent Baker to the ground just before she would have been crushed by a light fixture.

 

BERNIE

There is something rotten in the state of Denver.

 

BAKER

What?

 

They enter the conference room to find all of the agents on the ground but one. The remaining agent, TOM PINOTCH, is scared out of his mind.

 

PINOTCH

H-h-he just came out of nowhere with his dog and ambushed us. It was a nightmare!

 

BAKER

Settle down, agent! Who ambushed you?

 

PINOTCH

His face was hidden. He was wearing a mask. Some Star Wars thing. I think he was Russian.

 

BERNIE

The dog! Tell me! Was the dog a husky?

 

PINOTCH

I think it was…

 

BERNIE

I know who did this.

 

PINOTCH

You wouldn’t happen to have some wine handy, would you?

 

Bernie and Baker ignore Pinotch and walk on to the next room.

 

BAKER

How do you know who did it?

 

BERNIE

I have met this man before. He could have been my successor, but instead he lost his mind. Now he’s lashing out at society, blaming the world for his mental state. It’s a terrible thing.

 

BAKER

So what’s our play here?

 

BERNIE

We need to lure him out. Use something he loves. Perhaps the husky…

 

Bernie pulls a foot of sausage links out of his jacket pocket and starts whistling. A siberian husky approaches.

 

BERNIE

There we go, good girl.

 

Bernie pulls an ether-soaked rag out of his pocket and puts it over the dog’s mouth.

 

BERNIE

There, there. Sleep, you beautiful bitch.

 

BAKER

Why do you have sausage links and an ether-soaked rag on you?

 

BERNIE

Always be prepared, my dear.

 

Bernie stands up and puffs out his chest.

 

BERNIE

ILYA! Come on out and I will not hurt your beloved dog! I know you equate them to blondes, and you know how much I love a beautiful, buxom blonde. Give yourself up.

 

A crazed ILYA BRYZGALOV pops out of a ceiling panel. He is wearing a Darth Vader mask, his goalie pads, and a freshly purchased mop.

 

BRYZ

No! You don’t touch her, Burn man!

 

Bryz charges at Bernie, but Bernie cooly sidesteps him and Bryz goes tumbling. Bernie casually pulls out a taser and shocks Bryz into unconsciousness.

 

BAKER

He was hurt pretty bad.

 

BERNIE

He was devastated by his release. Sure, he got some great money from it, but it hurt his pride. It wounded him to the core.

 

BAKER

And why the FBI?

 

BERNIE

He associates anyone in a suit with the management who made the decision to part ways with him. He then took some leaps in logic and ended up here.

 

BAKER

How did he even get into the building?

 

BERNIE

Do you see the mop? It’s so brand new he left the pricing sticker on. He pretended to be a janitor to get in.

 

BAKER

Well, I guess we can consider this case closed.

 

BERNIE

It’s a beautiful thing.

 

Bernie and Baker will return in: CATCH CECHMANEK