Red Downie

 

INT. WELLS FARGO CENTER, AFTERNOON.

 

Flyers forward STEVE DOWNIE has called a players only meeting on the team’s off day. Team captain CLAUDE GIROUX steps forward to question this.

 

GIROUX

Hey, uh, Steve, you know, um, what is, uh, the deal with this, uh, meeting?

 

Downie rises from a dimly lit corner of the room into the light. It is obvious that he had unscrewed the light bulb in his corner to achieve this effect.

 

DOWNIE

Well CLAUDE, if that is your real name, I’m here to address a big concern in today’s NHL.

 

LUKE SCHENN excitedly hops up and down.

 

LUKE SCHENN

Ooo, ooo, I know this one! Is iiiiittttttttt, concussions? OR maybe you mean unchecked salaries and a soon-to-be-meaningless-once-again salary cap leading to another lockout in a few years?

 

DOWNIE

No, you fool. Sit down and listen.

 

Luke Schenn sits down by his locker and pouts. His brother BRAYDEN snickers at him.

 

DOWNIE

Today’s NHL has obviously been overrun by COMMIES. The Communist Party is all around. I first noticed this during the game in Detroit the other night. Those sharing and caring bastards are going to be the end of us all.

 

STEVE MASON is visibly shaking and terrified.

 

MASON

Gee whiz, other Steve, this is terrible news! What should we do to fight back? I heard the first version of that Chris Hemsworth movie Red Dawn had a bunch of kids and Wolverine fighting back against the Commies, so maybe we can get Hugh Jackman to join us.

 

DOWNIE

What are you, high?

 

MASON

Yeah, high on LIFE!

 

Mason smiles around the room at everyone at that statement, as the rest of the team audibly groans. KIMMO TIMONEN tilts a fedora over his head and naps in the corner. RAY EMERY decides to speak up.

 

EMERY

I don’t even know where to begin with all of this nonsense. First of all, when did you turn into Joe McCarthy, Steve? Second, it’s not 1950 anymore, so you need to calm your ass down. Third, I-

 

DOWNIE

Enough, Ray! It’s clear to me that you’re a sympathizer. I won’t deal with sympathizers in this locker room!

 

As the locker room descends into chaos, ED SNIDER walks into the room.

 

SNIDER

What in the sam hell is going on in here?

 

LUKE SCHENN

Steve Downie is Communist hunting! But Razor told him he was a dummy, and then Poppa Kimmo took a nap, but then-

 

SNIDER

Okay, I get it. Communist hunting? Let me tell you a thing or two about Communist hunting, Steve-o. I finished those bastards off with Bobby Clarke and Ronald Reagan back in the late eighties and the world has been a better place ever since.

 

EMERY

Look, Mr. Snider, I’m inclined to agree with you based on the fact that this idiot needs to end his witch hunt, but isn’t Communism alive and well in China?

 

SNIDER

They don’t really count, do they, Ray?

 

EMERY

No, I guess they don’t, Mr. Snider.

 

SNIDER

So, Steve, can you end your silly little Communist hunt and, I don’t know, go back to playing hockey?

 

DOWNIE

I suppose I can Mr. Snider. Thank you.

 

Satisfied with the conclusion, the Flyers leave the locker room and go home. Downie pulls Mason aside before he can leave.

 

DOWNIE

Get me Hugh Jackman. The fight begins tomorrow.