The Wolf of Broad Street (aka What Claude Giroux Did Last Night)

That patch should say ‘G’ for Grinch after Claude Giroux ruined the holiday season for hundreds of Philadelphians.

While several Flyers spent their Wednesday giving back to the community, one particular player spent his Wednesday taking away from the community.

A Flyers Faithful source who cannot be revealed told us of a troubling situation that occurred on Wednesday night at the Landmark Ritz Five theater in Olde City:

People were waiting in line for upwards of three hours to get into a private screening of “The Wolf of Wall Street,” the highly-touted Martin Scorsese film starring Leonardo DiCaprio, due to start at 7:30. At twenty after, Claude Giroux was spotted entering the theater with three unidentified guests.

Soon after the start time had passed, a theater representative informed all those in line that they would not be allowed in to see the movie, citing a lack of space to accommodate any of them.

Some fans left quickly, in a huff. But those who stuck around to grumble and complain bore witness to a truly abysmal occurrence:

“Fuck Philadelphia, I want this theater all to myself!” Giroux was heard yelling, shortly before Ritz employees came running out of the theater in tears.

“He’s a monster!” One employee cried, while another added, “Like a ginger Hulk!”

But one of the employees didn’t make it out with the others. Fearing the worst, their co-workers ran back to the entrance just in time to hear Giroux’s demands for a robe, slippers, and some hot chocolate with extra marshmallows – “Real marshmallows, too! None of that Swiss Miss shit.” Just the sound of his bellowing roar was enough to make them flee yet again, and moments later, the employee that had been left behind stumbled out of the building, now branded with a giant ‘CG28’ on his back.

Somehow, the wound smelled exactly like grilled cheese.

It wasn’t long before even Giroux’s three guests were out the door as well, too shaken up to speak a single word. Even after they’d calmed down, the mere sight of a strawberry blonde girl in line had them in hysterics all over again.

A true captain would never do what Claude Giroux did to the people of Philadelphia. You don’t see Bobby Clarke renting out the entire theater for matinee showings of Last Vegas.

Scott Hartnell spent his day at the Childrens Hospital of Philadelphia, reading to sick kids. Matt Read and Zac Rinaldo were spotted at a local soup kitchen, actually spoon-feeding those in need. And Wayne Simmonds helped not one, but two old ladies cross the street.

As for Giroux? Well, he ruined Christmas.

Damn ginger Grinch.

  • chuck

    I find it hard to believe!

  • JT

    I think this was written by a penguins fan( Doc Emery)!

  • Troy Simpkins

    Is this really true? If it is, I have lost a lot of respect for “G”.

  • Dain Stiles

    Gingers are soulless…and no this is a joke.