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Ilception

By Estebomb
Posted on 04/11/2013 at 11:00 am

The FLYERS are in the midst of a team meeting. ILYA BRYZGALOV is loudly snoring in the middle of the room, dead asleep. PETER LAVIOLETTE is visibly annoyed. LAVY This is our problem right here: guys like Bryz who don’t want to pay any frickin’ attention in team meetings! Lavy is screaming in Bryzgalov’s face, to no effect. LAVY Hello, Earth to Ilya! Wake up! Bryzgalov continues snoring. He’s dead asleep. LAVY It looks like it’s happened again, boys. You’ve gotta go in and get him. Claude and Scott you’re our crew for this. Take …

His Name Was Harry Z

By Estebomb
Posted on 04/08/2013 at 1:00 pm

On April 1, 2013 the Flyers traded away Harry Zolnierczyk. The members of the Flyers have been trained to lose all identity so they could dissolve into one cohesive orange and black unit. They were trained to live for the crest on the front, not the name on the back. When one of them was moved from the team, the players didn’t understand it. Zac Rinaldo looked up, tears in his eyes. He understood the situation less than anyone. “Why did Flyer 37 have to leave? What does it all mean?” Looking around the room, Kimmo Timonen asked, “Are you …

Buy, Buy Baby

By Estebomb
Posted on 04/01/2013 at 9:00 am

PAUL HOLMGREN, PETER LAVIOLETTE, DANNY BRIERE, ILYA BRYZGALOV, and CLAUDE GIROUX sit down at a table in Holmgren’s office in the Wells Fargo Center. PAUL HOLMGREN Gentlemen, we are here today to discuss what we are doing with our two salary cap compliance buyouts. Ilya and Danny, you are here to tell us why you should remain with the team. Peter and Claude are here for their input as coach and team captain. Any questions? ILYA BRYZGALOV When will we be getting the pie and punch? Is the punch Hawaiian? Best punch. HOLMER I told Ed that …

Time Travelin’ Timmy Thomas

By Estebomb
Posted on 03/25/2013 at 1:00 pm

PHILADELPHIA, 1776. A flash of electricity bursts out. A man in a black and gold hockey sweater with a prominent mustache walks out into the night. TIM THOMAS has arrived in the past. He is in an alley a few blocks from INDEPENDENCE HALL. He sees a CHILD staring at him. TIM THOMAS You, boy! What year is it? CHILD 1776, sir. TIM THOMAS Excellent. I’m right on time. CHILD What are those strange garments? TIM THOMAS It’s my uniform, boy. Perhaps you can fetch me something less…conspicuous? CHILD What do I get …

Deep Blue Line

By Estebomb
Posted on 03/18/2013 at 1:00 pm

KIMMO TIMONEN skates back and forth at the Flyers Skate Zone during practice. He is addressing his teammates before his 1,000th game. KIMMO I know it’s been a difficult year. We haven’t played at our highest level. The Flyers nod solemnly in agreement. KIMMO It’s my 1,000th game tonight. Zac Rinaldo can’t even count that high. ZAC RINALDO lights up smiling upon hearing his name. RINALDO It’s true! KIMMO It’s time to put all of our issues behind us. Jaromir Jagr and his magnificent smile aren’t walking through that door. CLAUDE GIROUX chimes in at the …

Laugh it up fuzzball (picture via Eric Hartline, USA TODAY Sports)

The Empire Strikes Bryz

By Estebomb
Posted on 03/11/2013 at 1:00 pm

ILYA BRYZGALOV and PAUL HOLMGREN walk down a hallway in the Wells Fargo Center. BRYZ …and then I tells the husky that it is me who should be using the toilet! HOLMER That’s wonderful, Ilya. Listen, you know your new Star Wars helmet? Bryzgalov proceeds to make blaster and lightsaber noises like C3PO telling a story to the Ewoks in Return of the Jedi (note: Estebomb always has been and always will be a huge nerd. Shut up.) Holmgren looks at him, stone faced. HOLMER Well, I spoke to George Lucas, the creator of Star Wars, and …

Reader (Or, A Tale of Two Gagnes)

By Estebomb
Posted on 03/04/2013 at 11:00 am

MATT READ stands in the Flyers locker room talking to ILYA BRYZGALOV about the movie Looper. ILYA BRYZGALOV So the Bruce Willy he heff to fight himself but he also different guy? MATT READ Well, Joseph Gordon Levitt plays the younger version of Willis’ character. BRYZ Then why they fight? Can’t they fight bad guys together like Turner and Hooch? READ You’re missing the point Bryz, the thing is…. Read sees the newly acquired SIMON GAGNE walk into the room. READ Who the hell is that? BRYZ I think that old you with cool hair. You fight to the death now? …